from the wife, HER Voice, Hope Redefined, pornography addiction, recovery, the everyday, Uncategorized

Do You Believe I Can Redeem All Of This?

If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.’ ‘If you can?’ said Jesus. ‘Everything is possible for one who believes.’ Mark 9:22-23 (emphasis added)

The taste of grape juice lingered on my lips. I had just left a Bible study where communion was given at the end as we listened and sought the Lord to speak to the innermost depths in our hearts. While resting in the presence of the Lord, each one of us asked the Lord for the bread and juice to symbolically soak into the crevices, the brokenness, and heal parts of our hearts only able to be healed by the One, the Healer.

That whole day I had been crying out to the Lord in a variety of ways. Asking for encouragement, asking Him to heal the broken areas of my heart, grieving losses.
A friend shared a testimony of how the Lord had healed her heart and asked her to let go of hurts, to cross a line and decide to let go, no longer holding onto the hurts of her past. And in a challenge, an exhortation from our Lord, asked if we all would be able to do the same.

God often uses a process to heal. Could I believe in a miracle healing? Could I believe, if I just chose to step across the line, that all would be healed? My heart wanted to believe. I so wanted to believe. As I waited for my turn to go up to take communion, in faith I whispered under my breath, “Lord, help my unbelief, Lord… I believe. “

On the way home, the Lord asked me a question, one I needed to be asked.

photo courtesy of unsplash.com

Do you believe I can redeem all of this?

This is an interesting question because I’ve seen the Lord redeem so much in my life.
He redeemed the worst decision of my life–to have an abortion. Now I have opportunities to travel and minister to other women who have had abortions. He has even redeemed details of the abortion and He has redeemed that day. He has blessed me with three beautiful, amazing children. He has blessed me beyond anything I could ask, hope or imagine. He has vindicated me and canceled my debt. Instead of shame (which is what I deserved), He has given me double honor. Yes Lord, I believe.

If the Lord can redeem something as horrid as abortion, He surely could redeem this situation. Hope restored. Redeemed hope. Yes Lord, I believe.


For those reading this today, I don’t know where you are in your journey. I don’t know if you are full of faith for your healing or desperately searching for a glimmer of hope to hold onto. Belief can be birthed in the despair of desperation. I have seen Jesus redeem. For you and for me today, I am speaking to our faith, encouraging belief.

Therefore, I ask you the same question He asked me, “Do you believe I can redeem all of this?” It is why Jesus gave His life. It is why He came. He came to redeem. It is the whole point of the gospel message. Lord, I believe.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for sending Jesus and that He gave His life to redeem all, not just some things, but all things. There is no “If you can”, Lord. I know you can. Lord, I believe. Thank you for redeeming all things. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The sole purpose of HER Voice is to provide an opportunity for those who have walked in our shared experience of betrayal to tell their stories and open their hearts. These stories are meant to be personal testimonies from women who are still unpacking pieces of their hearts and looking to the one who is the ultimate Healer. Our God is creative and no two journeys look the same. These posts are authored by women at various places in their journey towards healing and hope, so please understand they are in process like all of us.
 We encourage you to use self care when reading others testimonies. These blogs are not meant to “tell you how to do it,” but are meant to encourage and provide hope for others, wherever they may be in their healing process. 

from the wife, HER Voice, pornography addiction, recovery, the everyday, Uncategorized

Slow Change

I hate exercise. But I love cycling. I can’t even call it exercise because I love it that much. I’m not talking about a spinning class or riding a stationary bicycle, I’m talking about taking my bike out on a trail and riding across gravel and crunchy leaves and over old bridges.

A few months ago I was blessed with the gift of a few hours of time to myself, as for the first time ever, my kids were in school at the same time. I made a promise to myself not to spend that time cleaning or running errands, but biking on my trusty old mountain bike, one of my favorite past times. And it was glorious.

One afternoon a couple of weeks ago, the weather was finally cooler and it was an ideal autumn day. I set out on a ride with my playlist in full swing and I have to say, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Each week I had been able to push myself further and further, and it had been a long time since I’ve had something I’ve truly wanted to invest in for myself. I was rocking it. Then, bam! Out of nowhere, my pedals started spinning aimlessly and my bike stopped moving. I switched gears in a panic, causing my bike to completely lock up. I’m stuck. Just like that, I’m a walker – you know, those people I always pity as I’m riding, because riding gets the job done so much quicker. I can see more scenery and accomplish more in shorter time period. Not so with walking. So, I started the slow walk back to the car, which took double the time. And as each helpful citizen passed and offered to help me out, the amazing feeling I had earlier slowly dwindled. I’m humbled as well as extremely bummed. I wasn’t able to conquer the thing I love doing most, nor the goals I set for myself at the beginning of this new season.

Here I am two weeks later and I’m back on the trail. Only still walking as I wait for my “new bike fund” to grow. I’m forced to go slow, for now. Instead of making it to the winding part of the trail with the creek to my left, I can only make it to the old bridge about halfway down my usual route. It feels like I’m crawling.

Quite honestly, my fitness life isn’t the only thing feels like it’s moving at a snail’s pace. Many things do in this season, including my husband’s recovery. Despite the amazing progress he has made over the past couple of years in the way of his addiction, his progress has now leveled off. Praise God he has been porn free for nearly two years, but there is a piece of his heart that is still holding on to the day in and day out struggles. Like my bike ride, my husband’s progress at first was drastic and encouraging, but eventually it slowed to a jog, and then a walk, and now it feels like a crawl. Sometimes it feels he will never be truly free.

Over the course of our marriage, especially in the early days, I tried everything that I thought would bring freedom to my husband. As we all have done, I took it upon myself to do anything that I thought would conquer this problem. I got angry and expressed my hurt in unhealthy ways. I didn’t get angry enough and tried to ignore the problem. I sent him articles, book recommendations, support group options and videos that I thought maybe, just maybe, might finally change his heart. I checked countless search histories behind his back to try to find something I could use that maybe would force him to give this up.

I cannot conquer this sin for him.

But, none of these things ever worked. I cannot conquer this sin for him. I cannot conquer it any more than I can will my bike to start working again, even though I can clearly see parts of the bike’s mechanics disconnected from the bike itself. It needs repairs that I am in no way capable of doing myself. My bike needs a skilled repair man and my husband needs his heart in the hands of a mighty God.

And so, I felt God whisper a request to me at the start of this year. He was asking me to let go. To surrender my husband to Him. To take the burden of trying to keep up with his progress or lack thereof, and hand it over. Despite the huge changes my husband had made, there was still more needing to be done that only God could do. Only God could conquer my husband’s heart.

All of what God was asking me to do came together one night as I came to the story in Genesis 32 of Jacob face to face encounter with God. This story takes place the night before Jacob is to meet his brother Esau – the brother he deceived long ago. The brother that as far as Jacob knows, wants to kill him. The scriptures tell us Jacob was afraid for his life, therefore his typical planning and scheming nature kicks in. But here, on the eve of this meeting, Jacob, the expert deceiver, could no longer rely on his own lies and schemes. God meets him and wrestles with him. In this moment, Jacob’s only option was to rely on God’s blessing. He had nothing else. The words of David Guzik’s commentary (Enduring Word https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/genesis-32/) really hit home for me:

“This is an invaluable place for everyone to come to: where God conquers us. There is something to be said for every man doing his wrestling with God, and then acknowledging God’s greatness after having been defeated. We must know we serve a God who is greater than us, and we cannot conquer anything until He conquers us.”

Something else interesting about this story – God wrestled with Jacob. He approached Jacob, not the other way around. God finds us in our sinful state, our pain, our shame and our brokenness – and he takes our hearts in His hands and remakes us. He conquers us. I’ve witnessed this first hand in my own heart over the past two years. I did not ask for God to come into my life and expose the most hurtful parts of my husband’s sin, but through it my heart was conquered and changed in ways I still am unable to fully understand.

So for months now, I’ve prayed what feels like a risky prayer for my husband: Conquer. Lord, conquer my husband’s heart. Risky in the sense that I am scared of how God might go about that. But, like a skilled bike repair man, this is His business and I can trust Him. I can see the changes in my husband, bit by bit. The wrestling is happening, even if it is at a snail’s pace.

My walks on the trail have now become quiet times of reflection. I can still take in the scenery, even though I don’t make it to all of my favorite landmarks. And there is still beauty in this season, as I vacillate between words of praise to God, then to questions and frustrations and sometimes just silence. Don’t get me wrong, I will be so happy the day I can race down the trail on my bike, but for now, I’m in a season of slow change remembering that God can conquer it all.

from the wife, HER Voice, Hope Redefined, pornography addiction, recovery, the everyday, Uncategorized

The Night that Changed Everything

My heart was full of joy as I rested on the swing in the quiet, serene setting of our porch overlooking the trees below. My husband sat next to me. I texted, laughing with a friend about her burnt dinner through “LOLs” and smiley emojis. One moment there was bliss, but I had no idea my world was about to come crashing down.

It was the day before our 20th wedding anniversary. Earlier that year, we had taken a trip to celebrate and it was wonderful. The next minute would change everything about how I saw my husband, our 20 years together, our marriage and my life.

He turned to me and said, “I need to talk to you about something important.” The seriousness in his voice alarmed me. It was then he explained to me that for over 20 years, he had been addicted to pornography and mentally undressing women with his eyes. He had a sexual addiction and I had been oblivious. For over 20 years, I had no idea. None. I thought we had an amazing marriage, one that others may even have been envious of, even though that was never our goal. It seemed he adored me and that adoration fed a deep need inside of me to feel loved and cherished.

At the moment of this reveal, I must admit I handled it extremely well. The shock of it numbed my emotions. I wasn’t sure what any of this meant. However, the next day my emotions caught up with my brain, and I began to comprehend and process what this meant. 

It meant for twenty years, my adoring husband had been unfaithful to me in his thoughts and actions. It meant that my whole world and everything I thought was true was actually not true. It meant that my husband, my best friend, the one who I thought would always protect me and that I was safe with, was not protecting me. He felt more like an enemy than a friend, and he did not safe.

Feeling like my world has just been completely shaken is the best way to describe how it felt to find out my husband had a sexual addiction. I felt like I was falling and I couldn’t get my footing. Like I was drowning, thrashing about in a sea of pain. Because of this feeling, I began grabbing onto things, anything that felt like a lifeline and anything that felt like it might be safe. I grabbed on to people, hoping they could save me and fill that void. That deep longing to be loved and valued. But when a drowning person grabs onto another person, they often drown that person with them. And if not, that person has to swim away in order to save themselves. This, of course, feels like more rejection.

It is difficult to describe this type of pain, and for someone who has never experienced this kind of betrayal, it may not even make sense. But it is a deep pain, nonetheless.

What I realized through my healing process through Hope Redefined and Redeemed Hope was that I had a deep fear of rejection from my past along with many insecurities. My husband was a strong source of security for me. When he became unsafe for me, that security was gone. I realized how much I depended on him for security, when in truth, the only One I should depend on for my security is Jesus. That’s all. Jesus should be it. No person is able to hold us up. No person was ever meant to carry that weight and keep us anchored and secure.

photo courtesy of unsplash.com

Jesus is meant to be our anchor keeping us securely grounded in love, value, and acceptance.

A boat has an anchor to keep it securely fastened to the ground. Jesus is meant to be our anchor keeping us securely grounded in love, value, and acceptance. Nothing else is able to keep us anchored.

The Hope Redefined Support Group was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. It was a safe place to share my emotions with others who were in the same situation. I began to see that all I was feeling was completely normal and began to have hope for healing. By the end of the eight weeks, I felt mostly healed. I went to the Redeemed Hope Retreat to see if there was any more healing needed. Through the retreat, God did an even deeper work and truly restored my hope in Him.

I’m a life changed through this ministry and I’m so thankful for it. Thank you, Lyschel, l and the Hope Redefined/ Redeemed Hope team for all you do.

About Us, Hope Redefined, pornography addiction, recovery, Uncategorized

Meet Amy

We are so thrilled to introduce Amy Nagy as our newest coach. She began facilitating support groups for wives in 2017 with Hope Redefined, and in May of 2019 completed her education and training to become a Certified Professional Life Coach. She is currently in the process of obtaining her coaching certifications and completing the APSATS training. More importantly, Amy has walked the road of betrayal and is passionate about walking alongside other women experiencing the same trauma. What better way to introduce her, than to allow her to tell part of her story that led her to coaching in her own words.

My passion for Life Coaching was born out of my own trials and the fire the Lord placed in my heart to use what I had been through for His glory and to benefit others. I have experienced betrayal in my marriage and journeyed towards healing due, in part, to the invaluable support of other women who have navigated this path alongside me. Through this process, I have learned that we cannot be islands, God created us for community and we need each other.

My husband and I have been on the road to recovery since 2016.  It was my own experience of being coached through the aftermath of betrayal that impacted me so greatly, and I knew I was being called into coaching to help others. It is my heart and passion to journey with women as they go from paralyzed, hopeless and stuck – to free, filled with hope and energetically moving forward.


In addition, I am a grateful follower of Jesus Christ, a wife of 21 years, a mother to four beautiful children and a teacher.

We are really thankful to have Amy as a part of our coaching team. Its so fun to watch the Lord shape our stories into beauty from ashes. To connect with Amy or schedule a free intro call with her please check out our coaching page for details. or contact us today.

friendship, from the wife, HER Voice, pornography addiction, recovery

Dear Friend,

I want to start off by saying that your friendship is so important to me. You mean so much to me and my family. We have shared many memories and laughter together. I treasure you.

Support For Wives

Because I value our friendship, I wanted to share some of my needs as I am navigating through this new nightmare in my marriage. Nightmare may sound like a dramatic word choice but when I awake each morning, I’m certain it’s all a nightmare. I keep hoping I’ll awake and this will have only been a bad dream, but then I realize I am awake and this is my reality at this time.

I want to be gentle and kind in my words, but I also want to be honest and real. Forgive me if my pain seeps into this letter. My world is spinning. I’m uncertain who is safe and who is not. And I promise friend, I want to believe you are safe but I’m not completely sure of anything these days.

When we met at the coffee shop today, you said, “Let me know if you need anything.”

Inside my heart I shouted, “I need a redo. I need this to vanish and never come back. I need a heart transplant because the one inside my chest is shattered into a million pieces.”  But I know you aren’t capable of tending to any of those needs. There is no redo and only Jesus can heal my heart.

Maybe it would be helpful for me to let you in to see what I’m facing and how it’s unfolding every day. Perhaps this is too much. Goodness, I don’t want to be “too much” for one more person. But I want to be honest. Honesty is SUPER important to me these days. After losing all sense of honesty in my marriage I find myself really needing everyone around me super honest with me and I’m a little too honest with most of them. I should probably apologize to that store clerk from yesterday. But I didn’t know how to answer the question “how are you today” when she asked, so I was honest.

Friend, I know you desire to be a good friend in this season and you are probably at a complete loss. After all, you have never experienced something like this.

I feel completely alone most moments in my day. I walk the hallways at church, work and life with a face that is not mine. It doesn’t reflect the reality on the inside. I’m broken, hopeless, and drowning in the tsunami of emotions that hit me every 5-7 minutes. I feel like I have something gagging me on the inside. I can’t utter a word to anyone. There is so much fear and confusion. My husband is a good man, he is kind. Most people probably wouldn’t even believe me if I told them. Others would immediately judge him and think he is a pervert or question why I am still with him. I wrestle with all these thoughts. It’s so hard when the world outside is pressing up against the wobbly world inside of me.

I struggle to have clear thoughts and stay on task. My mind is always racing and I am exhausted. I’m exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It is hitting me from all places. I’m barely sleeping. I am close to running out of tears, I have cried so many in the quiet of my shower. My mind never stops and I’m wrestling to see God’s goodness in any of this.

I’m struggling to make it through basic tasks, and when I am able to complete the everyday necessities, I am wiped out and just want to lay in my bed.  I’m not depressed…or am I?  I’m trying…or maybe I’m not trying hard enough? I don’t trust myself anymore, and I’m really struggling to trust that God is taking care of me in all of this.

So friend, what can you do? What can you offer? What do I need? I can’t say I really even know all of my needs.

Perhaps I could use help with completely basic tasks like dinner for my family. I could use help with kids while we try and pick up these pieces in counseling or over really hard dinner conversations. I could use a surprise visit that lets me take a break and be with my thoughts for an hour in a quiet place while someone else handles the needs of life. Or even something as simple as showing love and concern with an unexpected hug or phone call, a listening ear, or a text that just reminds me that someone cares and is praying for me. Prayer. I really need prayer.

But here is the reality… I won’t ask for these things. I don’t know how and I don’t really know I need any of it. From what I have been told he needs to be in support groups, have an accountability partner, and/or maybe do some counseling. Once those things are done, I hope we will be good and that he will walk away from this sin. But I don’t know what to do with me in the meantime. Please pray I will look to Jesus and rely on Him to steady me, to comfort me, to hold me up in all this. My world has been shattered and Jesus and I are working on putting the pieces back together while he is working on his part.

I’m thankful you are my friend. I’m not sure how great of a friend I will be for a while. But I promise I will try when I can. I’m thankful for your grace and love.

Love,

Your Hurting Friend